Weapons of Math Instruction
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
THE LAWYER & THE LITTLE BOY
A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little
boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."
Lawyer: "Is your daddy there?"
Boy: (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with him?"
Boy: (whisper) "He's busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anyone else there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The fire department."
Lawyer: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Boy: (whisper) "The police department."
Lawyer: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Let me get this straight, your mother,
father, the fire department AND the police department
are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT
are they doing?"
Boy: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas web site by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) - and made the web department take it down immediately.
----------------------------------------------------------------1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_]Gen. [_] Comrade [_]
Classified [_]Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:......................................................
Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ................................
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):
19..../...../.....
4. Serial Number:.......................................
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalog showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell-Douglas product
you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell-Douglas
product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / maneuverability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Central / South America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
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[_] Iraq
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[_] Iraq
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[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:
[_] Color TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
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that apply:)
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11. How did you pay for your McDonnell-Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
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[_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
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13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
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[_] Sabotage
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[_] Propaganda / disinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
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[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
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Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her
mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a Devil." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us,
we'll show him just how wrong he is."
Back to joke index
A man left for
work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed
out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his
actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would
be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went
with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where
he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Answering
Machine Messages
"Hi. Now you say something."
----------------------------------------------------
"I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking
to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by
leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks."
----------------------------------------------------
"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you
are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."
----------------------------------------------------
"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on and on
and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't
in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
long answering machine message when you call me..."
----------------------------------------------------
"Hello, this is Douglas. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang
on a second while I get a pencil." (background noise -- open a drawer and
shuffle stuff around) "Okay, what would you like me to tell me?"
----------------------------------------------------
"Hello. I'm Douglas's answering machine. What are you?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Douglas's house, the final frontier. These are the messages of Douglas's
answering machine. Its five-year mission: to seek out your name and your
telephone number. To boldly inform you to wait for the tone."
----------------------------------------------------
<Noisy pick-up of phone> "Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal
Douglas's answering machine. If you give me your name and number
I'll....uh.....I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. By the way, do you
know where he keeps the silver?"
------------------------------------------------
"The number you've dialed is purely imaginary. Please multiply by one and dial
again."
----------------------------------------------------
Hi, Douglas's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets on my face here."
------------------------------------------------
<voice 1> "Answer the phone, please, Hal."
<voice 2> "I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that."
------------------------------------------------
"This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a
number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit
the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years they are in financial
trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 out west to
where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull and decides she does
want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After
paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my
sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help then adds, "It's just
99 cents a word".
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
that he'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few
minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'.
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up and drive out here to haul that
bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. She'll read it slowly."
A man was
walking along a deserted beach one day and found a strange looking bottle lying
in the sand. He looked up and down the beach and didn't see anyone who might
have dropped it, so he decided to open the bottle.
A powerful genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out of his magical
cage.
The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant
you a wish. BUT, I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to
Hawaii, but I've never been able to go because I cannot stand flying in an
airplane, and boats tend to make me claustrophobic. So for my wish, I want a
road to be built to Hawaii."
The genie thought about the road for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I
don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the
piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach
the bottom of the ocean. Just imagine all the pavement needed. No, I'm sorry,
but that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a few minutes and then decided on his second choice. The man
said, "There IS one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, and
why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, I'd like to know what
makes them tick."
The genie pondered the request for a moment, and finally said, "So, do you want
two lanes or four?"
An elderly
couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple, wanted to join a
church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to
the church!", said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep
on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!", said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man
replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her
right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Home Center anymore,
either."
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to
Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was
killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back
home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told
"Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and
the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down
slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service,
the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his
hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your
mother climbed up on the roof today."
Adam was walking
around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong
with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you
discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every
decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in
the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will
always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She
will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever
you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history .....
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him."Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right.. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Got a letter from Grandma
the other day...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you
love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I
had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous
prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I
did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It
is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never
have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then leaned out of his window and screamed "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in joy of the moment that they got out of
their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what
church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved
to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window and gave them the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love grandma.
Back to joke index
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ... at least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?". "Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still." How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean--?", he replied, "...I can check my e-mail from here?"
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."
"Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the
music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with
me."
Back to joke index
Comparison of Religious Theory in the Late 20th Century
Here's a tongue in cheek article a friend sent me. I hope it doesn't offend anyone but I thought it was pretty humorous because it hits close on the main emphasis of that particular Faith. If you don't think so, it could be your knowledge of the different Faiths covered here is either too limited or too extensive!
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.If Noah had lived in the United States in the year 2001, his story may have gone something like this:
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and fill it in one year's time."
Exactly a year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the taxes. All I has was a notice from Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." And, finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."
Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
When NASA was preparing
for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian
reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came
across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question,
which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The
old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with
the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the
NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they
asked the son to translate. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the
tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the
moon.
Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the
moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
Back to joke index
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter."Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled."Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."
This is a True Story..... (Note: Hope so. It's certainly funny!!)
On a weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
I'll be right back and we'll go to eat." she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
Both were black. One of them was big..very big...and intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was:
"These two are going to rob me."Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind. Surely they knew her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.
"My God", she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!"
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore Then..... one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her.
"Take my money and spare me", she prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am."He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you. She didn't know what to say.
The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not makeit down the corridor
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said:"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,
Eddie Murphy& Michael Jordan
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally
intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So,
he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible
young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near anbrand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just
stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced
himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can
you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today,
all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man
off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring
to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force,
what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need
wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he
can pile it!"
