It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Other features:
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about
computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or
"Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he
found two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group
was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE"
because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the
problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE"
because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible
to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
================================
It's really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive, if the problem is a
head crash, or the infamous Seagate "traction" problem, if you know what to do.
You will require #4/0 steel wool, Varsol, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45
minutes.
First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you
begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.
Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with Varsol. Bend the
read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.
VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This will
remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to
redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors" that most
drives have.
Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the
read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the
gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the
chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected to remove.
Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your
drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.
All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in
business.
I haven't tried this yet myself, but my friend's wife's sister-in-law's husband
knows a technician who does it all the time.
==================================================
Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house in the Seattle
suburbs, the following is a conversation overheard last week: Bill: "There are a
few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first
90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little
smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release
date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living
room; or you can use Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room.
By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the
chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use
some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put
it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The
bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the
wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to
upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do
I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests
over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure
drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture fails to terminate
and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn
off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll
be back on track."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near
the end of 2000. Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've had some
delays..."
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The Shiftkey FAQ - Version 0.001
by Alan Meiss
Unleash the Power of Shift!
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift
keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them
out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at
the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit
staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this
feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen
Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something
naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In
Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but
don't say I didn't warn you.
q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters
and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps
your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe
you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also
consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with
lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT'S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard
frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation.
First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling
as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub
thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool.
Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld
blow-dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to
clean the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys
labeled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your
hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an
excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be
thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them
confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is
there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the
shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your
computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word
"shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard
closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat
this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before
the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two.
Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts.
Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make
little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better
to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears
much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because
of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at
night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a
distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my
computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100
terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it.
Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the
problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these
keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness.
Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead
with a lot of shifting, consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in
dealing with any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.